It is funny that Istredd warned him about possible feelings and thought bleeding, and he isn't the one doing it. Lucifer is even in the most casual of ways. Istredd doesn't know the name Dean Winchester though it's apparently in line with his disgust about other things. He pauses, tilting his head curiously. Are there other people from your world here?
He knows about Michael and never considered asking if there were others. He doesn't know if that name is someone back home or someone here, but it seems like a reasonable thing to ask.
Istredd would like it if Lucifer forgot the joy of flustering him, thanks. He likes to keep his composure but it is very easy to spin him out, a fact he is hoping to keep secret. Due to embarrassment. Have you always been this sensitive to the cold? You're this all-powerful old being, and you hate winter.
He hasn't felt a need to stutter the bleed and it's been so long since he's been able to simply exist freely, courtesy of thinking all the walls in Thorne were breathing.
Unfortunately, there's a couple. Michael in Solvunn and a few in Free Cities.
Istredd's a smart man; he can likely make the connection from the sentence to Lucifer saying everyone he knows in Free Cities wants him dead.
No. I 'burn cold' as it were. But I've lost so much that makes me what I am that it's... lessened all my tolerances. Now I sleep, eat, and bleed. And my own inherent cold literally comes back to bite me.
Istredd doesn't mind the flow of thoughts as it is also how his mind works much of the time, brains do have a way of tumbling around, but it's nice to feel that free cascade. It's emotions that feed him more than thoughts. For someone who tries to be very contained, he can be hungry for them to be unfiltered.
The people who want to kill you? Yes he makes that jump immediately, frowning. His concern is clear, worried for Lucifer's safety, considering he came to him bleeding everywhere once. It must have been them. He needs to protect him, despite that seeming ridiculous to someone powerful. I'll be able to feel if you're in danger too.
Lucifer didn't sleep, eat, and bleed before? There is no end to the ways in which he's an alien. Here, I'll .... He begins to cast a low level Abraxas heating spell, not thinking about the fact he was in pain horribly recently. So attempting to use his magic immediately backfires on him, causing his headache to worsen and he hisses.
"The fire is enough right now, idiot," Lucifer tsks, though not unkindly, before the rest of it catches up through his mind and the first lock-up of Lucifer's thoughts follows, though not stifled entirely. Just like how Lucifer can physically tense oftentimes. Outwardly he looks as though nothing had changed. Don't get involved with it, Istredd, it comes across sharply in warning. Anything else, fine. But not that.
And any thoughts around the why of it are obfuscated, if only because knowing will make Istredd more willing to get involved. But Dean with that blade could gut through Lucifer into the heart of his celestial being.
And he will shred through Istredd before he even tried a spell.
Lucifer refuses to allow that any chance of happening.
I'm not helpless, Lucifer. I'm stronger than you think. Istredd says, more sharp than usual. Just as he snapped at Geralt before for underestimating him, he does it again. He is not devoid of his own triggers. After a long time of fellow mages looking down on him for being more interested in books than power, he has just enough of a sliver of pride that can get bruised. His frustration gets through with a prickle of defensiveness.
You're my friend, I'm not going to stand by. It is slightly hypocritical to say that considering he just went somewhere Lucifer couldn't follow and made him fear for Istredd's life for a time. He forced him to stand by and let it happen in that case. He's caught, even he can be a hypocrite.
"I know you're not helpless!" he snarls, aloud, and stands abruptly, pacing away. His thoughts are thunderclouds, images more than sound, roiling. Flashes of unnatural lightning that if Istredd ever goes to Lucifer's domain, he'll see the same thing. "This isn't about strength. You want to know who held the blade currently--somehow--in his possession? The Father of Murder."
There are brief snippets of thought coming through the storm, jumbled and out of alignment, from the very-carefully tucked-away cloud:
Cain and Abel.
Knight of Hell.
Corruption.
'It just made you more of what you already were'--and that last one isn't Lucifer's voice. It's a mousey, but high voice, clouded over with feelings of hatred and betrayal and shattered love.
Lucifer spins about, furious. "I know how to handle him. I know how to handle what he has." He's shaking. "He despises me, Istredd, and when that Mark corrupts him completely, I can still contain him." He hopes. "But if you get involved? He will see it as an opportunity to make me suffer, and destroy you. There is no one winning against what he has, not for any of us!"
Istredd springs to his feet as well, but the moment he does, he wavers. He is doing much better, there is energy in him, especially now, but he is not in a place to be a threat to anyone. Which just feeds into the problem. And he is stubborn about it. He manages to stay on his feet, firm balance on his mind.
"I understand you are afraid he will use me against you. That is serious and I don't want it to happen either." He has no doubt that this man would do that, from the fear Lucifer has about it. It would worry him to be Lucifer's weakness, but he is feeling a few things very strongly in that moment. Anger, frustration, fear of his own, something deeper than he wants to get into.
"I won't go looking for trouble or to engage with this person, I'll leave him alone." Istredd is someone who always speaks very plainly and calm, but when he gets in this state, there's passion in his voice. "But against impossible odds, we find ourselves in another world, we found our way to this friendship unintentionally. Now that I have it, I'm not going to give it up. I gave up on Yenna, I'm not doing it again."
The heavy weight that hits Lucifer scatters his thoughts as his realization slams through him.
This is exactly what his goal was when he first arrived in Thorne. Find a bunch of halfwits (Istredd isn't a halfwit, though he is often blinded by his distractions), make them more than what they already were. Make them reliant on Lucifer. Make them want to protect him, because Lucifer had been too weakened to do it himself.
Make them want to die for him.
Lucifer won the game.
He has what he needs.
The problem is percolating on this very ship, the Mark slowly making its corrosive way through Dean Winchester's veins. Make him just like Lucifer, dragged down to Lucifer's level. A monster, a killing machine. Nothing more, just exponentially rocketing up those murderous tendencies--more of what he already was.
A little push here, a little more corruption there. Turn Dean against everyone he's ever loved, make them all see his true self.
And so what if a few people die to get between Lucifer and Dean? They don't matter, right? That was the whole point.
Lucifer knows he bungled his plans up severely at some stage, but he hadn't realized just how much until he's staring at everything he ever needed to survive right in the face and his thoughts are still unable to form new connections to process that. He just stares at Istredd, devoid of thought, devoid of sound.
They were in the midst of a fight (sort of) and Istredd was expecting a push back, getting ready for it. The thing is, no matter how much they argue the point, when it actually happens, instinct will win out. He can promise here and still feel that gut fear when it happens and find him. He couldn't save Yennefer when she was attacked, he couldn't force everyone to do their cards.
Whether it makes sense or not, whether he wants it or not, the two of them are connected in his mind. Lucifer maybe planted it there himself by saying they were alike. She is his biggest blindspot and he didn't expect another one would happen. It's not good for him either, he has plans. But he is telling the truth. This is where he's at. He hopes it never comes to pass though.
What he absolutely did not expect was Lucifer to just stop. Freeze. It didn't make sense so it threw off his anger. At first he is concerned someone is attacking his mind, but he would know that. His eyebrows furrow in confusion and he cautiously takes a few steps toward him, closing some of the space Lucifer made. "Lucifer? Hello?"
It's... maybe unwise. Because the proximity does teeter something in Lucifer's mind, and Lucifer is never one to feel cornered, or off-balance. His mood is that eternal pendulum, coming and going with just a strike, sometimes finding its equilibrium, and as much as he dislikes the snake analogies that follow him around like every other title he didn't choose, this Serpent will strike when threatened, regardless if there is an actual threat.
So lightning sparks a fuse and the thoughts and feelings coalesce with a bang and feed over the link. All of it. Lucifer's original plans, Lucifer's desire to push Dean's corruption, Lucifer's winning the game, and all of it ruptured by (1) idiotic mage that wormed into Lucifer's life.
The last tumbled thought following like a whimper that he doesn't want to win this.
And then Lucifer collapses, loosely held up in a crouch.
"I really hate you," Lucifer mumbles, sounding no less true than it did the first time he said it.
Istredd feels Lucifer tense the closer he gets and he pauses, uncertain whether to keep going and perhaps it is better to stay. This has been an intense 24 hours and he didn't want to fight. Again. He could have backed down and played the peacemaker but he didn't. He has no idea what is going on right then, until Lucifer slams into his mind.
It is overwhelming all at once especially because it is emotional. Lucifer's basically confessing a lot of dark thoughts and instincts and Istredd is not what one would call vengeful himself. The plans aren't a surprise considering Lucifer admitted to planning on using him. He just wants to sigh about that, because of course he was hoping for this level of loyalty. Istredd played into his hands successfully, and yet, he has no doubts it is both ways now.
The corruption of Dean is confusing although he gets that it is connected to this mark. He wants to intentionally destroy a person to 'win' and no longer wants Istredd to be fodder for it. Istredd is already weak so this is a bit much and he wobbles. He manages to sit on the floor without collapsing the wrong way at least. Istredd stares at him with wide blue eyes and his feelings in response to this are varied. Some disappointment, some frustration, but also compassion. And also, unfortunately, some pleasure too. Whether he likes it or not, Istredd has never been 'special' a day in his life, nor special to someone else, not really. It's embarrassing a little but it's true.
"Maybe you should reconsider what winning looks like to you. There isn't only one way." Istredd resists the urge to come any closer, having seen how he withdrew last time. "You have a choice. I can't make it for you."
"Do you know," he rasps, "how utterly insane you sound?"
The words are not barbed as they often would be. He's exhausted. He knows Istredd can't handle the strike anymore than Lucifer, but the pain is mutual, because Lucifer is back in that hallway with Michael finding him, and the silence after was almost worse than that pain. He'd put up with Michael for longer than usual just because fighting with his brother filled the absent of anything from Istredd's end.
But he still feels it, that initial 'defense mechanism' of the Singularity. Or maybe he just feels the reverberation of what he did to Istredd, echoing back.
He's not going to feel guilty for it.
Mostly.
God, his head hurts though.
"I have to reconsider now, thanks," he adds, not meeting Istredd's gaze. 'Have to' because yes, he has a choice, but it isn't one, that's the whole problem. What he's willing to actually do for... revenge. "There isn't a choice." He pushes this, not as Free Will stripped from him, but that the other option is losing Istredd, and with that last bit of Lucifer's plans between their minds, he needs that understood.
"There is. You're just not used to choosing this way." Lucifer can still make the decision to go after Dean and take the risk, that is an option, but he doesn't want to do it. Istredd knows nothing about Dean or their very complicated relationship, he suspects he is a part of or behind why Istredd had to take care of his bloody wounds a few months ago. This doesn't make Istredd a fan of the man or that he is protecting anyone else but Lucifer.
He sits cross-legged since he can't get back up right now and takes in a deep breath, letting it out, his emotions fluttering all around him because of this next conversation. "Yenna and I broke up because a variety of reasons, one major one being I betrayed her trust, but also we never were going to work out. Our ambitions led us on different routes. Either one of us would have to give up what we wanted for the other. I was willing to, but she wasn't. And while it hurt, I came to understand that."
Istredd tried to get her back and was greeted with closed door after closed door. He knows Lucifer told him not to share more about her, but he actually is being careful about locking away a few details. This is a general break-up conversation. And frankly, with his friend, maybe he deserves to be able to talk about something like this.
"Decades later, life had become different for her, and she came and found me again. She told me she wanted to start over and give us the life we originally wanted. It was everything I wanted to hear all that time ago." It's painful to talk about. Emotionally painful in a way the Singularity was mentally. "But I told her no because I didn't believe we could make it. She thought she wanted me but she wanted an escape. Eventually she would be bored and leave. And when we talked later, she agreed that was probably the truth." The two of them are actually quite honest with each other. They have to be. There isn't animosity in his tone, he is not angry with her, he's sad though. Agonizingly sad.
"That is what I meant by gave up on her. Later on, I wondered if I made a mistake. If I should have at least tried to let us have a chance. Even if it didn't work, wouldn't it be worth it to know? I was too afraid so I let her go. I have a point, outside of pouring out my heart." And it is like that. Pouring. Bleeding. Istredd hadn't shared these regrets with Yennefer because he saw no point in it. They are where they are now. They are allies again, truly, and he doesn't want to ruin that. "The point is ... she was never going to pick me. The only person who ever loved me, and I would never be that important. I can't be mad at her for that. I ruined our chances."
A sad tale of heartbreak and regret, and the truth of two people he knew and what they lost. Even if they came out the other side and Lucifer should know that Istredd is still loyal to Yennefer. They get each other. This is a very old wound. "A long roundabout way of saying that I'm not sorry someone is picking me."
"I know you're a century old," soon, "but you're going to eventually run out of people to tell me about every time I blow a fuse."
It's not that Istredd's explanation just bounces right off of Lucifer. He thought at first it might just be drivel, but he caught on to the point quick enough, even if it felt so very small to Lucifer.
But he doesn't outright dismiss the story either, so there's that.
And... then the point he thought Istredd was making--getting everything you wanted and then letting it go--isn't actually what he was going for, and instead a bit worse, on multiple levels.
He shakes his head and levers himself up out of the crouch he had fallen into, and leans down just enough, offering Istredd his arm.
"You really need better friends," Lucifer says. But this is what he's got, this out-of-sorts devil (that really does need to get a conversation with Geralt now), offering him help up.
"A little under a century," he corrects with a shrug. "You just told me you were reconsidering your revenge plot because of me. I think I can trust that you will keep this quiet. I should be able to talk to my closest friend about my life." It's not as if Yennefer is in the past. She is right there in the castle and Istredd will always come to her when she calls. When that happens, Lucifer has more insight into why it happens and what ties there are between them. Not every single detail, he left out many things, but there is context for why they both struggle a little with letting go. No closure.
It may feel small to Lucifer but it's not small to Istredd. It means a great deal to him, which is why he explained the way up to that feeling of relief and a touch of happiness about being important. To anyone. It's pathetic he never has been, but it is the life he chose, away from anyone who could care. This place forced him to change.
Istredd takes his hand and does actually need his strength to get up, he is almost better but the emotional toll this all took was exhausting. He stands and wobbles again, before looking down at him. He's two inches taller, so it is slight but there. They are close at first but he knows Lucifer doesn't like that so he takes a step back.
"You just told me you were reconsidering your revenge plot because of me."
Lord.
That's going to keep him up at night.
Well. A problem for down the road.
Considering he's already holding Istredd's trip to the Singularity secret, honestly the talk about Yennefer is nothing. At some point, Lucifer might return the favor. It isn't like he could throw much more at Istredd about what and who he is that Istredd isn't going to just shrug off now.
Then again, Lucifer didn't think the link was going to be detrimental to him this fast, but that's what happens when you run into Dean, the Mark of Cain, and the First Blade.
So, clearly he should know better than try to predict anything.
"Yeah, well," he doesn't entirely know what to do with that, so, "sorry I punched your brain." And nudges Istredd back towards his bed despite the step he took away from Lucifer.
The problem with where they currently stand is that he can show him many things, and Istredd will accept it because who he's shown himself to be is not the same. It isn't that his hunger for revenge is not concerning. It is concerning. Lucifer is problematic. He could slippery slope backward. Istredd isn't an idealist, blind to the downfalls of people. But he also has watched how his care for other people has made him fight the very things that kept him going for his long, long years.
And Istredd has a history of weak spots for certain types of people. Power hungry and angry, but also desperate for something to hold onto about themselves or others that isn't shitty.
He laughs and follows his lead, more than willing to sit down on a bed again. He feels he will be strong enough to get to the banquets tonight, albeit needing an early night. At least it isn't a ball where the threat of dancing is over his head. "Sorry I've made your life more complicated."
Istredd does reach out to pat Lucifer's arm, but then nudges him playfully and drops his hand. Careful of his boundaries even if he is not the same with Istredd's mind. Did anything big happen today while you were babysitting?
If Lucifer still holds onto one core concept, it's that he's problematic.
That, of anything, is unlikely to ever go away. But the definition of it may change. He can definitely be problematic for other, non-revenge and backsliding reasons.
He retakes his seat because Istredd isn't the only one who needs rest now. He only grunts in response to Istredd making his life more complicated. Yeah, he has. But. Lucifer will figure it out. Later, if they get through these negotiations unscathed and return to Thorne.
Not really. Kept Jack from sleepwalking off the boat. That's about it, thankfully. For now.
Istredd is not looking forward to the banquet, he is already overwhelmed at the moment due to their trip and Lucifer's entire everything in their conversations, so sitting around new people will be a lot. Little does he know it will be extra difficult because he'll be next to Ciri of all people. He'll just crash early tonight and hard after all of it.
Emotional exhaustion can be far worse than physical, as they both know. He will pay attention to the negotiations from here out of curiosity more than anything else. Strange, that going back to Thorne seems like a good thing right then.
Sleepwalking off the boat? Damn. That could have gotten fatal very fast.
They would have stopped the boat and fished him out, but if he was already unconscious, it might not have gone well for him.
I wanted to throw him in anyway. Look, he doesn't exactly like the guy, okay. They have a mutual dislike for... good reasons. Mostly. But he's my backup if something goes wrong and Wanda can't reach you.
Not that he's told Jack that.
At the mention of Wilhelm, he winces.
Only at a distance. It's better that I don't set him off.
He means that, too. Give him a banquet dinner though in a night or two and he'll realize he has to finally do something before the kid genuinely spins out.
Istredd does not know Jack well. They are both in the library all the time, so they come across one another, but they are quiet and both good at doing their own thing. He does plan on talking to him soon. It has been a long-term plan. Maybe this boat adventure will require it (it will). But Istredd does know Kyle at this point and trusts his mind and capability. A smart person as interested in facts as he is.
I agree. It is unwise to set him off when we are stuck as we are. Besides, he may have a good time meeting new people here, unlike us. It's a rare opportunity before we're all stuck back at the castle.
And if he does end up having a good time here, Lucifer would only annoy him.
Kyle is a reliable option, Lucifer admits. In terms of something related to Wilhelm, Jack is best, because Wilhelm could tell Jack just about anything--truth or lie--about something I've done and Jack will just accept it in stride as an obvious answer.
You put your arm through a guy's chest once in a nightmare.
Kid's at least socializing for now. With the brothers back, too, that should help. Kell and Rhy each have a keen eye with the kid, for different reasons.
He pushes up out of his chair. "I'm going back on rounds." If anyone asks about you, I'll just say the seasickness hit again and you had to lay down.
Istredd is too tired to follow up on any of that, he just nods. Probably giving himself some time before the banquet is the only way he'll be able to handle it. "Thank you, Lucifer." He smiles at him.
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thedevilwhorose) wrote2027-05-08 09:26 pm
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He knows about Michael and never considered asking if there were others. He doesn't know if that name is someone back home or someone here, but it seems like a reasonable thing to ask.
Istredd would like it if Lucifer forgot the joy of flustering him, thanks. He likes to keep his composure but it is very easy to spin him out, a fact he is hoping to keep secret. Due to embarrassment. Have you always been this sensitive to the cold? You're this all-powerful old being, and you hate winter.
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Unfortunately, there's a couple. Michael in Solvunn and a few in Free Cities.
Istredd's a smart man; he can likely make the connection from the sentence to Lucifer saying everyone he knows in Free Cities wants him dead.
No. I 'burn cold' as it were. But I've lost so much that makes me what I am that it's... lessened all my tolerances. Now I sleep, eat, and bleed. And my own inherent cold literally comes back to bite me.
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The people who want to kill you? Yes he makes that jump immediately, frowning. His concern is clear, worried for Lucifer's safety, considering he came to him bleeding everywhere once. It must have been them. He needs to protect him, despite that seeming ridiculous to someone powerful. I'll be able to feel if you're in danger too.
Lucifer didn't sleep, eat, and bleed before? There is no end to the ways in which he's an alien. Here, I'll .... He begins to cast a low level Abraxas heating spell, not thinking about the fact he was in pain horribly recently. So attempting to use his magic immediately backfires on him, causing his headache to worsen and he hisses.
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And any thoughts around the why of it are obfuscated, if only because knowing will make Istredd more willing to get involved. But Dean with that blade could gut through Lucifer into the heart of his celestial being.
And he will shred through Istredd before he even tried a spell.
Lucifer refuses to allow that any chance of happening.
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You're my friend, I'm not going to stand by. It is slightly hypocritical to say that considering he just went somewhere Lucifer couldn't follow and made him fear for Istredd's life for a time. He forced him to stand by and let it happen in that case. He's caught, even he can be a hypocrite.
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There are brief snippets of thought coming through the storm, jumbled and out of alignment, from the very-carefully tucked-away cloud:
Cain and Abel.
Knight of Hell.
Corruption.
'It just made you more of what you already were'--and that last one isn't Lucifer's voice. It's a mousey, but high voice, clouded over with feelings of hatred and betrayal and shattered love.
Lucifer spins about, furious. "I know how to handle him. I know how to handle what he has." He's shaking. "He despises me, Istredd, and when that Mark corrupts him completely, I can still contain him." He hopes. "But if you get involved? He will see it as an opportunity to make me suffer, and destroy you. There is no one winning against what he has, not for any of us!"
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"I understand you are afraid he will use me against you. That is serious and I don't want it to happen either." He has no doubt that this man would do that, from the fear Lucifer has about it. It would worry him to be Lucifer's weakness, but he is feeling a few things very strongly in that moment. Anger, frustration, fear of his own, something deeper than he wants to get into.
"I won't go looking for trouble or to engage with this person, I'll leave him alone." Istredd is someone who always speaks very plainly and calm, but when he gets in this state, there's passion in his voice. "But against impossible odds, we find ourselves in another world, we found our way to this friendship unintentionally. Now that I have it, I'm not going to give it up. I gave up on Yenna, I'm not doing it again."
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This is exactly what his goal was when he first arrived in Thorne. Find a bunch of halfwits (Istredd isn't a halfwit, though he is often blinded by his distractions), make them more than what they already were. Make them reliant on Lucifer. Make them want to protect him, because Lucifer had been too weakened to do it himself.
Make them want to die for him.
Lucifer won the game.
He has what he needs.
The problem is percolating on this very ship, the Mark slowly making its corrosive way through Dean Winchester's veins. Make him just like Lucifer, dragged down to Lucifer's level. A monster, a killing machine. Nothing more, just exponentially rocketing up those murderous tendencies--more of what he already was.
A little push here, a little more corruption there. Turn Dean against everyone he's ever loved, make them all see his true self.
And so what if a few people die to get between Lucifer and Dean? They don't matter, right? That was the whole point.
Lucifer knows he bungled his plans up severely at some stage, but he hadn't realized just how much until he's staring at everything he ever needed to survive right in the face and his thoughts are still unable to form new connections to process that. He just stares at Istredd, devoid of thought, devoid of sound.
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Whether it makes sense or not, whether he wants it or not, the two of them are connected in his mind. Lucifer maybe planted it there himself by saying they were alike. She is his biggest blindspot and he didn't expect another one would happen. It's not good for him either, he has plans. But he is telling the truth. This is where he's at. He hopes it never comes to pass though.
What he absolutely did not expect was Lucifer to just stop. Freeze. It didn't make sense so it threw off his anger. At first he is concerned someone is attacking his mind, but he would know that. His eyebrows furrow in confusion and he cautiously takes a few steps toward him, closing some of the space Lucifer made. "Lucifer? Hello?"
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So lightning sparks a fuse and the thoughts and feelings coalesce with a bang and feed over the link. All of it. Lucifer's original plans, Lucifer's desire to push Dean's corruption, Lucifer's winning the game, and all of it ruptured by (1) idiotic mage that wormed into Lucifer's life.
The last tumbled thought following like a whimper that he doesn't want to win this.
And then Lucifer collapses, loosely held up in a crouch.
"I really hate you," Lucifer mumbles, sounding no less true than it did the first time he said it.
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It is overwhelming all at once especially because it is emotional. Lucifer's basically confessing a lot of dark thoughts and instincts and Istredd is not what one would call vengeful himself. The plans aren't a surprise considering Lucifer admitted to planning on using him. He just wants to sigh about that, because of course he was hoping for this level of loyalty. Istredd played into his hands successfully, and yet, he has no doubts it is both ways now.
The corruption of Dean is confusing although he gets that it is connected to this mark. He wants to intentionally destroy a person to 'win' and no longer wants Istredd to be fodder for it. Istredd is already weak so this is a bit much and he wobbles. He manages to sit on the floor without collapsing the wrong way at least. Istredd stares at him with wide blue eyes and his feelings in response to this are varied. Some disappointment, some frustration, but also compassion. And also, unfortunately, some pleasure too. Whether he likes it or not, Istredd has never been 'special' a day in his life, nor special to someone else, not really. It's embarrassing a little but it's true.
"Maybe you should reconsider what winning looks like to you. There isn't only one way." Istredd resists the urge to come any closer, having seen how he withdrew last time. "You have a choice. I can't make it for you."
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The words are not barbed as they often would be. He's exhausted. He knows Istredd can't handle the strike anymore than Lucifer, but the pain is mutual, because Lucifer is back in that hallway with Michael finding him, and the silence after was almost worse than that pain. He'd put up with Michael for longer than usual just because fighting with his brother filled the absent of anything from Istredd's end.
But he still feels it, that initial 'defense mechanism' of the Singularity. Or maybe he just feels the reverberation of what he did to Istredd, echoing back.
He's not going to feel guilty for it.
Mostly.
God, his head hurts though.
"I have to reconsider now, thanks," he adds, not meeting Istredd's gaze. 'Have to' because yes, he has a choice, but it isn't one, that's the whole problem. What he's willing to actually do for... revenge. "There isn't a choice." He pushes this, not as Free Will stripped from him, but that the other option is losing Istredd, and with that last bit of Lucifer's plans between their minds, he needs that understood.
He's not going to give it up either.
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He sits cross-legged since he can't get back up right now and takes in a deep breath, letting it out, his emotions fluttering all around him because of this next conversation. "Yenna and I broke up because a variety of reasons, one major one being I betrayed her trust, but also we never were going to work out. Our ambitions led us on different routes. Either one of us would have to give up what we wanted for the other. I was willing to, but she wasn't. And while it hurt, I came to understand that."
Istredd tried to get her back and was greeted with closed door after closed door. He knows Lucifer told him not to share more about her, but he actually is being careful about locking away a few details. This is a general break-up conversation. And frankly, with his friend, maybe he deserves to be able to talk about something like this.
"Decades later, life had become different for her, and she came and found me again. She told me she wanted to start over and give us the life we originally wanted. It was everything I wanted to hear all that time ago." It's painful to talk about. Emotionally painful in a way the Singularity was mentally. "But I told her no because I didn't believe we could make it. She thought she wanted me but she wanted an escape. Eventually she would be bored and leave. And when we talked later, she agreed that was probably the truth." The two of them are actually quite honest with each other. They have to be. There isn't animosity in his tone, he is not angry with her, he's sad though. Agonizingly sad.
"That is what I meant by gave up on her. Later on, I wondered if I made a mistake. If I should have at least tried to let us have a chance. Even if it didn't work, wouldn't it be worth it to know? I was too afraid so I let her go. I have a point, outside of pouring out my heart." And it is like that. Pouring. Bleeding. Istredd hadn't shared these regrets with Yennefer because he saw no point in it. They are where they are now. They are allies again, truly, and he doesn't want to ruin that. "The point is ... she was never going to pick me. The only person who ever loved me, and I would never be that important. I can't be mad at her for that. I ruined our chances."
A sad tale of heartbreak and regret, and the truth of two people he knew and what they lost. Even if they came out the other side and Lucifer should know that Istredd is still loyal to Yennefer. They get each other. This is a very old wound. "A long roundabout way of saying that I'm not sorry someone is picking me."
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It's not that Istredd's explanation just bounces right off of Lucifer. He thought at first it might just be drivel, but he caught on to the point quick enough, even if it felt so very small to Lucifer.
But he doesn't outright dismiss the story either, so there's that.
And... then the point he thought Istredd was making--getting everything you wanted and then letting it go--isn't actually what he was going for, and instead a bit worse, on multiple levels.
He shakes his head and levers himself up out of the crouch he had fallen into, and leans down just enough, offering Istredd his arm.
"You really need better friends," Lucifer says. But this is what he's got, this out-of-sorts devil (that really does need to get a conversation with Geralt now), offering him help up.
The right messes they both are.
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It may feel small to Lucifer but it's not small to Istredd. It means a great deal to him, which is why he explained the way up to that feeling of relief and a touch of happiness about being important. To anyone. It's pathetic he never has been, but it is the life he chose, away from anyone who could care. This place forced him to change.
Istredd takes his hand and does actually need his strength to get up, he is almost better but the emotional toll this all took was exhausting. He stands and wobbles again, before looking down at him. He's two inches taller, so it is slight but there. They are close at first but he knows Lucifer doesn't like that so he takes a step back.
"No, I don't." Istredd smiles at him. I know you.
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Lord.
That's going to keep him up at night.
Well. A problem for down the road.
Considering he's already holding Istredd's trip to the Singularity secret, honestly the talk about Yennefer is nothing. At some point, Lucifer might return the favor. It isn't like he could throw much more at Istredd about what and who he is that Istredd isn't going to just shrug off now.
Then again, Lucifer didn't think the link was going to be detrimental to him this fast, but that's what happens when you run into Dean, the Mark of Cain, and the First Blade.
So, clearly he should know better than try to predict anything.
"Yeah, well," he doesn't entirely know what to do with that, so, "sorry I punched your brain." And nudges Istredd back towards his bed despite the step he took away from Lucifer.
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And Istredd has a history of weak spots for certain types of people. Power hungry and angry, but also desperate for something to hold onto about themselves or others that isn't shitty.
He laughs and follows his lead, more than willing to sit down on a bed again. He feels he will be strong enough to get to the banquets tonight, albeit needing an early night. At least it isn't a ball where the threat of dancing is over his head. "Sorry I've made your life more complicated."
Istredd does reach out to pat Lucifer's arm, but then nudges him playfully and drops his hand. Careful of his boundaries even if he is not the same with Istredd's mind. Did anything big happen today while you were babysitting?
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That, of anything, is unlikely to ever go away. But the definition of it may change. He can definitely be problematic for other, non-revenge and backsliding reasons.
He retakes his seat because Istredd isn't the only one who needs rest now. He only grunts in response to Istredd making his life more complicated. Yeah, he has. But. Lucifer will figure it out. Later, if they get through these negotiations unscathed and return to Thorne.
Not really. Kept Jack from sleepwalking off the boat. That's about it, thankfully. For now.
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Emotional exhaustion can be far worse than physical, as they both know. He will pay attention to the negotiations from here out of curiosity more than anything else. Strange, that going back to Thorne seems like a good thing right then.
Sleepwalking off the boat? Damn. That could have gotten fatal very fast.
They would have stopped the boat and fished him out, but if he was already unconscious, it might not have gone well for him.
Have you seen the boy?
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Not that he's told Jack that.
At the mention of Wilhelm, he winces.
Only at a distance. It's better that I don't set him off.
He means that, too. Give him a banquet dinner though in a night or two and he'll realize he has to finally do something before the kid genuinely spins out.
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Istredd does not know Jack well. They are both in the library all the time, so they come across one another, but they are quiet and both good at doing their own thing. He does plan on talking to him soon. It has been a long-term plan. Maybe this boat adventure will require it (it will). But Istredd does know Kyle at this point and trusts his mind and capability. A smart person as interested in facts as he is.
I agree. It is unwise to set him off when we are stuck as we are. Besides, he may have a good time meeting new people here, unlike us. It's a rare opportunity before we're all stuck back at the castle.
And if he does end up having a good time here, Lucifer would only annoy him.
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You put your arm through a guy's chest once in a nightmare.
Kid's at least socializing for now. With the brothers back, too, that should help. Kell and Rhy each have a keen eye with the kid, for different reasons.
He pushes up out of his chair. "I'm going back on rounds." If anyone asks about you, I'll just say the seasickness hit again and you had to lay down.
Can wrap here!