The heavy weight that hits Lucifer scatters his thoughts as his realization slams through him.
This is exactly what his goal was when he first arrived in Thorne. Find a bunch of halfwits (Istredd isn't a halfwit, though he is often blinded by his distractions), make them more than what they already were. Make them reliant on Lucifer. Make them want to protect him, because Lucifer had been too weakened to do it himself.
Make them want to die for him.
Lucifer won the game.
He has what he needs.
The problem is percolating on this very ship, the Mark slowly making its corrosive way through Dean Winchester's veins. Make him just like Lucifer, dragged down to Lucifer's level. A monster, a killing machine. Nothing more, just exponentially rocketing up those murderous tendencies--more of what he already was.
A little push here, a little more corruption there. Turn Dean against everyone he's ever loved, make them all see his true self.
And so what if a few people die to get between Lucifer and Dean? They don't matter, right? That was the whole point.
Lucifer knows he bungled his plans up severely at some stage, but he hadn't realized just how much until he's staring at everything he ever needed to survive right in the face and his thoughts are still unable to form new connections to process that. He just stares at Istredd, devoid of thought, devoid of sound.
They were in the midst of a fight (sort of) and Istredd was expecting a push back, getting ready for it. The thing is, no matter how much they argue the point, when it actually happens, instinct will win out. He can promise here and still feel that gut fear when it happens and find him. He couldn't save Yennefer when she was attacked, he couldn't force everyone to do their cards.
Whether it makes sense or not, whether he wants it or not, the two of them are connected in his mind. Lucifer maybe planted it there himself by saying they were alike. She is his biggest blindspot and he didn't expect another one would happen. It's not good for him either, he has plans. But he is telling the truth. This is where he's at. He hopes it never comes to pass though.
What he absolutely did not expect was Lucifer to just stop. Freeze. It didn't make sense so it threw off his anger. At first he is concerned someone is attacking his mind, but he would know that. His eyebrows furrow in confusion and he cautiously takes a few steps toward him, closing some of the space Lucifer made. "Lucifer? Hello?"
It's... maybe unwise. Because the proximity does teeter something in Lucifer's mind, and Lucifer is never one to feel cornered, or off-balance. His mood is that eternal pendulum, coming and going with just a strike, sometimes finding its equilibrium, and as much as he dislikes the snake analogies that follow him around like every other title he didn't choose, this Serpent will strike when threatened, regardless if there is an actual threat.
So lightning sparks a fuse and the thoughts and feelings coalesce with a bang and feed over the link. All of it. Lucifer's original plans, Lucifer's desire to push Dean's corruption, Lucifer's winning the game, and all of it ruptured by (1) idiotic mage that wormed into Lucifer's life.
The last tumbled thought following like a whimper that he doesn't want to win this.
And then Lucifer collapses, loosely held up in a crouch.
"I really hate you," Lucifer mumbles, sounding no less true than it did the first time he said it.
Istredd feels Lucifer tense the closer he gets and he pauses, uncertain whether to keep going and perhaps it is better to stay. This has been an intense 24 hours and he didn't want to fight. Again. He could have backed down and played the peacemaker but he didn't. He has no idea what is going on right then, until Lucifer slams into his mind.
It is overwhelming all at once especially because it is emotional. Lucifer's basically confessing a lot of dark thoughts and instincts and Istredd is not what one would call vengeful himself. The plans aren't a surprise considering Lucifer admitted to planning on using him. He just wants to sigh about that, because of course he was hoping for this level of loyalty. Istredd played into his hands successfully, and yet, he has no doubts it is both ways now.
The corruption of Dean is confusing although he gets that it is connected to this mark. He wants to intentionally destroy a person to 'win' and no longer wants Istredd to be fodder for it. Istredd is already weak so this is a bit much and he wobbles. He manages to sit on the floor without collapsing the wrong way at least. Istredd stares at him with wide blue eyes and his feelings in response to this are varied. Some disappointment, some frustration, but also compassion. And also, unfortunately, some pleasure too. Whether he likes it or not, Istredd has never been 'special' a day in his life, nor special to someone else, not really. It's embarrassing a little but it's true.
"Maybe you should reconsider what winning looks like to you. There isn't only one way." Istredd resists the urge to come any closer, having seen how he withdrew last time. "You have a choice. I can't make it for you."
"Do you know," he rasps, "how utterly insane you sound?"
The words are not barbed as they often would be. He's exhausted. He knows Istredd can't handle the strike anymore than Lucifer, but the pain is mutual, because Lucifer is back in that hallway with Michael finding him, and the silence after was almost worse than that pain. He'd put up with Michael for longer than usual just because fighting with his brother filled the absent of anything from Istredd's end.
But he still feels it, that initial 'defense mechanism' of the Singularity. Or maybe he just feels the reverberation of what he did to Istredd, echoing back.
He's not going to feel guilty for it.
Mostly.
God, his head hurts though.
"I have to reconsider now, thanks," he adds, not meeting Istredd's gaze. 'Have to' because yes, he has a choice, but it isn't one, that's the whole problem. What he's willing to actually do for... revenge. "There isn't a choice." He pushes this, not as Free Will stripped from him, but that the other option is losing Istredd, and with that last bit of Lucifer's plans between their minds, he needs that understood.
"There is. You're just not used to choosing this way." Lucifer can still make the decision to go after Dean and take the risk, that is an option, but he doesn't want to do it. Istredd knows nothing about Dean or their very complicated relationship, he suspects he is a part of or behind why Istredd had to take care of his bloody wounds a few months ago. This doesn't make Istredd a fan of the man or that he is protecting anyone else but Lucifer.
He sits cross-legged since he can't get back up right now and takes in a deep breath, letting it out, his emotions fluttering all around him because of this next conversation. "Yenna and I broke up because a variety of reasons, one major one being I betrayed her trust, but also we never were going to work out. Our ambitions led us on different routes. Either one of us would have to give up what we wanted for the other. I was willing to, but she wasn't. And while it hurt, I came to understand that."
Istredd tried to get her back and was greeted with closed door after closed door. He knows Lucifer told him not to share more about her, but he actually is being careful about locking away a few details. This is a general break-up conversation. And frankly, with his friend, maybe he deserves to be able to talk about something like this.
"Decades later, life had become different for her, and she came and found me again. She told me she wanted to start over and give us the life we originally wanted. It was everything I wanted to hear all that time ago." It's painful to talk about. Emotionally painful in a way the Singularity was mentally. "But I told her no because I didn't believe we could make it. She thought she wanted me but she wanted an escape. Eventually she would be bored and leave. And when we talked later, she agreed that was probably the truth." The two of them are actually quite honest with each other. They have to be. There isn't animosity in his tone, he is not angry with her, he's sad though. Agonizingly sad.
"That is what I meant by gave up on her. Later on, I wondered if I made a mistake. If I should have at least tried to let us have a chance. Even if it didn't work, wouldn't it be worth it to know? I was too afraid so I let her go. I have a point, outside of pouring out my heart." And it is like that. Pouring. Bleeding. Istredd hadn't shared these regrets with Yennefer because he saw no point in it. They are where they are now. They are allies again, truly, and he doesn't want to ruin that. "The point is ... she was never going to pick me. The only person who ever loved me, and I would never be that important. I can't be mad at her for that. I ruined our chances."
A sad tale of heartbreak and regret, and the truth of two people he knew and what they lost. Even if they came out the other side and Lucifer should know that Istredd is still loyal to Yennefer. They get each other. This is a very old wound. "A long roundabout way of saying that I'm not sorry someone is picking me."
"I know you're a century old," soon, "but you're going to eventually run out of people to tell me about every time I blow a fuse."
It's not that Istredd's explanation just bounces right off of Lucifer. He thought at first it might just be drivel, but he caught on to the point quick enough, even if it felt so very small to Lucifer.
But he doesn't outright dismiss the story either, so there's that.
And... then the point he thought Istredd was making--getting everything you wanted and then letting it go--isn't actually what he was going for, and instead a bit worse, on multiple levels.
He shakes his head and levers himself up out of the crouch he had fallen into, and leans down just enough, offering Istredd his arm.
"You really need better friends," Lucifer says. But this is what he's got, this out-of-sorts devil (that really does need to get a conversation with Geralt now), offering him help up.
"A little under a century," he corrects with a shrug. "You just told me you were reconsidering your revenge plot because of me. I think I can trust that you will keep this quiet. I should be able to talk to my closest friend about my life." It's not as if Yennefer is in the past. She is right there in the castle and Istredd will always come to her when she calls. When that happens, Lucifer has more insight into why it happens and what ties there are between them. Not every single detail, he left out many things, but there is context for why they both struggle a little with letting go. No closure.
It may feel small to Lucifer but it's not small to Istredd. It means a great deal to him, which is why he explained the way up to that feeling of relief and a touch of happiness about being important. To anyone. It's pathetic he never has been, but it is the life he chose, away from anyone who could care. This place forced him to change.
Istredd takes his hand and does actually need his strength to get up, he is almost better but the emotional toll this all took was exhausting. He stands and wobbles again, before looking down at him. He's two inches taller, so it is slight but there. They are close at first but he knows Lucifer doesn't like that so he takes a step back.
"You just told me you were reconsidering your revenge plot because of me."
Lord.
That's going to keep him up at night.
Well. A problem for down the road.
Considering he's already holding Istredd's trip to the Singularity secret, honestly the talk about Yennefer is nothing. At some point, Lucifer might return the favor. It isn't like he could throw much more at Istredd about what and who he is that Istredd isn't going to just shrug off now.
Then again, Lucifer didn't think the link was going to be detrimental to him this fast, but that's what happens when you run into Dean, the Mark of Cain, and the First Blade.
So, clearly he should know better than try to predict anything.
"Yeah, well," he doesn't entirely know what to do with that, so, "sorry I punched your brain." And nudges Istredd back towards his bed despite the step he took away from Lucifer.
The problem with where they currently stand is that he can show him many things, and Istredd will accept it because who he's shown himself to be is not the same. It isn't that his hunger for revenge is not concerning. It is concerning. Lucifer is problematic. He could slippery slope backward. Istredd isn't an idealist, blind to the downfalls of people. But he also has watched how his care for other people has made him fight the very things that kept him going for his long, long years.
And Istredd has a history of weak spots for certain types of people. Power hungry and angry, but also desperate for something to hold onto about themselves or others that isn't shitty.
He laughs and follows his lead, more than willing to sit down on a bed again. He feels he will be strong enough to get to the banquets tonight, albeit needing an early night. At least it isn't a ball where the threat of dancing is over his head. "Sorry I've made your life more complicated."
Istredd does reach out to pat Lucifer's arm, but then nudges him playfully and drops his hand. Careful of his boundaries even if he is not the same with Istredd's mind. Did anything big happen today while you were babysitting?
If Lucifer still holds onto one core concept, it's that he's problematic.
That, of anything, is unlikely to ever go away. But the definition of it may change. He can definitely be problematic for other, non-revenge and backsliding reasons.
He retakes his seat because Istredd isn't the only one who needs rest now. He only grunts in response to Istredd making his life more complicated. Yeah, he has. But. Lucifer will figure it out. Later, if they get through these negotiations unscathed and return to Thorne.
Not really. Kept Jack from sleepwalking off the boat. That's about it, thankfully. For now.
Istredd is not looking forward to the banquet, he is already overwhelmed at the moment due to their trip and Lucifer's entire everything in their conversations, so sitting around new people will be a lot. Little does he know it will be extra difficult because he'll be next to Ciri of all people. He'll just crash early tonight and hard after all of it.
Emotional exhaustion can be far worse than physical, as they both know. He will pay attention to the negotiations from here out of curiosity more than anything else. Strange, that going back to Thorne seems like a good thing right then.
Sleepwalking off the boat? Damn. That could have gotten fatal very fast.
They would have stopped the boat and fished him out, but if he was already unconscious, it might not have gone well for him.
I wanted to throw him in anyway. Look, he doesn't exactly like the guy, okay. They have a mutual dislike for... good reasons. Mostly. But he's my backup if something goes wrong and Wanda can't reach you.
Not that he's told Jack that.
At the mention of Wilhelm, he winces.
Only at a distance. It's better that I don't set him off.
He means that, too. Give him a banquet dinner though in a night or two and he'll realize he has to finally do something before the kid genuinely spins out.
Istredd does not know Jack well. They are both in the library all the time, so they come across one another, but they are quiet and both good at doing their own thing. He does plan on talking to him soon. It has been a long-term plan. Maybe this boat adventure will require it (it will). But Istredd does know Kyle at this point and trusts his mind and capability. A smart person as interested in facts as he is.
I agree. It is unwise to set him off when we are stuck as we are. Besides, he may have a good time meeting new people here, unlike us. It's a rare opportunity before we're all stuck back at the castle.
And if he does end up having a good time here, Lucifer would only annoy him.
Kyle is a reliable option, Lucifer admits. In terms of something related to Wilhelm, Jack is best, because Wilhelm could tell Jack just about anything--truth or lie--about something I've done and Jack will just accept it in stride as an obvious answer.
You put your arm through a guy's chest once in a nightmare.
Kid's at least socializing for now. With the brothers back, too, that should help. Kell and Rhy each have a keen eye with the kid, for different reasons.
He pushes up out of his chair. "I'm going back on rounds." If anyone asks about you, I'll just say the seasickness hit again and you had to lay down.
Istredd is too tired to follow up on any of that, he just nods. Probably giving himself some time before the banquet is the only way he'll be able to handle it. "Thank you, Lucifer." He smiles at him.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
thedevilwhorose) wrote2027-05-08 09:26 pm
no subject
This is exactly what his goal was when he first arrived in Thorne. Find a bunch of halfwits (Istredd isn't a halfwit, though he is often blinded by his distractions), make them more than what they already were. Make them reliant on Lucifer. Make them want to protect him, because Lucifer had been too weakened to do it himself.
Make them want to die for him.
Lucifer won the game.
He has what he needs.
The problem is percolating on this very ship, the Mark slowly making its corrosive way through Dean Winchester's veins. Make him just like Lucifer, dragged down to Lucifer's level. A monster, a killing machine. Nothing more, just exponentially rocketing up those murderous tendencies--more of what he already was.
A little push here, a little more corruption there. Turn Dean against everyone he's ever loved, make them all see his true self.
And so what if a few people die to get between Lucifer and Dean? They don't matter, right? That was the whole point.
Lucifer knows he bungled his plans up severely at some stage, but he hadn't realized just how much until he's staring at everything he ever needed to survive right in the face and his thoughts are still unable to form new connections to process that. He just stares at Istredd, devoid of thought, devoid of sound.
no subject
Whether it makes sense or not, whether he wants it or not, the two of them are connected in his mind. Lucifer maybe planted it there himself by saying they were alike. She is his biggest blindspot and he didn't expect another one would happen. It's not good for him either, he has plans. But he is telling the truth. This is where he's at. He hopes it never comes to pass though.
What he absolutely did not expect was Lucifer to just stop. Freeze. It didn't make sense so it threw off his anger. At first he is concerned someone is attacking his mind, but he would know that. His eyebrows furrow in confusion and he cautiously takes a few steps toward him, closing some of the space Lucifer made. "Lucifer? Hello?"
no subject
So lightning sparks a fuse and the thoughts and feelings coalesce with a bang and feed over the link. All of it. Lucifer's original plans, Lucifer's desire to push Dean's corruption, Lucifer's winning the game, and all of it ruptured by (1) idiotic mage that wormed into Lucifer's life.
The last tumbled thought following like a whimper that he doesn't want to win this.
And then Lucifer collapses, loosely held up in a crouch.
"I really hate you," Lucifer mumbles, sounding no less true than it did the first time he said it.
no subject
It is overwhelming all at once especially because it is emotional. Lucifer's basically confessing a lot of dark thoughts and instincts and Istredd is not what one would call vengeful himself. The plans aren't a surprise considering Lucifer admitted to planning on using him. He just wants to sigh about that, because of course he was hoping for this level of loyalty. Istredd played into his hands successfully, and yet, he has no doubts it is both ways now.
The corruption of Dean is confusing although he gets that it is connected to this mark. He wants to intentionally destroy a person to 'win' and no longer wants Istredd to be fodder for it. Istredd is already weak so this is a bit much and he wobbles. He manages to sit on the floor without collapsing the wrong way at least. Istredd stares at him with wide blue eyes and his feelings in response to this are varied. Some disappointment, some frustration, but also compassion. And also, unfortunately, some pleasure too. Whether he likes it or not, Istredd has never been 'special' a day in his life, nor special to someone else, not really. It's embarrassing a little but it's true.
"Maybe you should reconsider what winning looks like to you. There isn't only one way." Istredd resists the urge to come any closer, having seen how he withdrew last time. "You have a choice. I can't make it for you."
no subject
The words are not barbed as they often would be. He's exhausted. He knows Istredd can't handle the strike anymore than Lucifer, but the pain is mutual, because Lucifer is back in that hallway with Michael finding him, and the silence after was almost worse than that pain. He'd put up with Michael for longer than usual just because fighting with his brother filled the absent of anything from Istredd's end.
But he still feels it, that initial 'defense mechanism' of the Singularity. Or maybe he just feels the reverberation of what he did to Istredd, echoing back.
He's not going to feel guilty for it.
Mostly.
God, his head hurts though.
"I have to reconsider now, thanks," he adds, not meeting Istredd's gaze. 'Have to' because yes, he has a choice, but it isn't one, that's the whole problem. What he's willing to actually do for... revenge. "There isn't a choice." He pushes this, not as Free Will stripped from him, but that the other option is losing Istredd, and with that last bit of Lucifer's plans between their minds, he needs that understood.
He's not going to give it up either.
no subject
He sits cross-legged since he can't get back up right now and takes in a deep breath, letting it out, his emotions fluttering all around him because of this next conversation. "Yenna and I broke up because a variety of reasons, one major one being I betrayed her trust, but also we never were going to work out. Our ambitions led us on different routes. Either one of us would have to give up what we wanted for the other. I was willing to, but she wasn't. And while it hurt, I came to understand that."
Istredd tried to get her back and was greeted with closed door after closed door. He knows Lucifer told him not to share more about her, but he actually is being careful about locking away a few details. This is a general break-up conversation. And frankly, with his friend, maybe he deserves to be able to talk about something like this.
"Decades later, life had become different for her, and she came and found me again. She told me she wanted to start over and give us the life we originally wanted. It was everything I wanted to hear all that time ago." It's painful to talk about. Emotionally painful in a way the Singularity was mentally. "But I told her no because I didn't believe we could make it. She thought she wanted me but she wanted an escape. Eventually she would be bored and leave. And when we talked later, she agreed that was probably the truth." The two of them are actually quite honest with each other. They have to be. There isn't animosity in his tone, he is not angry with her, he's sad though. Agonizingly sad.
"That is what I meant by gave up on her. Later on, I wondered if I made a mistake. If I should have at least tried to let us have a chance. Even if it didn't work, wouldn't it be worth it to know? I was too afraid so I let her go. I have a point, outside of pouring out my heart." And it is like that. Pouring. Bleeding. Istredd hadn't shared these regrets with Yennefer because he saw no point in it. They are where they are now. They are allies again, truly, and he doesn't want to ruin that. "The point is ... she was never going to pick me. The only person who ever loved me, and I would never be that important. I can't be mad at her for that. I ruined our chances."
A sad tale of heartbreak and regret, and the truth of two people he knew and what they lost. Even if they came out the other side and Lucifer should know that Istredd is still loyal to Yennefer. They get each other. This is a very old wound. "A long roundabout way of saying that I'm not sorry someone is picking me."
no subject
It's not that Istredd's explanation just bounces right off of Lucifer. He thought at first it might just be drivel, but he caught on to the point quick enough, even if it felt so very small to Lucifer.
But he doesn't outright dismiss the story either, so there's that.
And... then the point he thought Istredd was making--getting everything you wanted and then letting it go--isn't actually what he was going for, and instead a bit worse, on multiple levels.
He shakes his head and levers himself up out of the crouch he had fallen into, and leans down just enough, offering Istredd his arm.
"You really need better friends," Lucifer says. But this is what he's got, this out-of-sorts devil (that really does need to get a conversation with Geralt now), offering him help up.
The right messes they both are.
no subject
It may feel small to Lucifer but it's not small to Istredd. It means a great deal to him, which is why he explained the way up to that feeling of relief and a touch of happiness about being important. To anyone. It's pathetic he never has been, but it is the life he chose, away from anyone who could care. This place forced him to change.
Istredd takes his hand and does actually need his strength to get up, he is almost better but the emotional toll this all took was exhausting. He stands and wobbles again, before looking down at him. He's two inches taller, so it is slight but there. They are close at first but he knows Lucifer doesn't like that so he takes a step back.
"No, I don't." Istredd smiles at him. I know you.
no subject
Lord.
That's going to keep him up at night.
Well. A problem for down the road.
Considering he's already holding Istredd's trip to the Singularity secret, honestly the talk about Yennefer is nothing. At some point, Lucifer might return the favor. It isn't like he could throw much more at Istredd about what and who he is that Istredd isn't going to just shrug off now.
Then again, Lucifer didn't think the link was going to be detrimental to him this fast, but that's what happens when you run into Dean, the Mark of Cain, and the First Blade.
So, clearly he should know better than try to predict anything.
"Yeah, well," he doesn't entirely know what to do with that, so, "sorry I punched your brain." And nudges Istredd back towards his bed despite the step he took away from Lucifer.
no subject
And Istredd has a history of weak spots for certain types of people. Power hungry and angry, but also desperate for something to hold onto about themselves or others that isn't shitty.
He laughs and follows his lead, more than willing to sit down on a bed again. He feels he will be strong enough to get to the banquets tonight, albeit needing an early night. At least it isn't a ball where the threat of dancing is over his head. "Sorry I've made your life more complicated."
Istredd does reach out to pat Lucifer's arm, but then nudges him playfully and drops his hand. Careful of his boundaries even if he is not the same with Istredd's mind. Did anything big happen today while you were babysitting?
no subject
That, of anything, is unlikely to ever go away. But the definition of it may change. He can definitely be problematic for other, non-revenge and backsliding reasons.
He retakes his seat because Istredd isn't the only one who needs rest now. He only grunts in response to Istredd making his life more complicated. Yeah, he has. But. Lucifer will figure it out. Later, if they get through these negotiations unscathed and return to Thorne.
Not really. Kept Jack from sleepwalking off the boat. That's about it, thankfully. For now.
no subject
Emotional exhaustion can be far worse than physical, as they both know. He will pay attention to the negotiations from here out of curiosity more than anything else. Strange, that going back to Thorne seems like a good thing right then.
Sleepwalking off the boat? Damn. That could have gotten fatal very fast.
They would have stopped the boat and fished him out, but if he was already unconscious, it might not have gone well for him.
Have you seen the boy?
no subject
Not that he's told Jack that.
At the mention of Wilhelm, he winces.
Only at a distance. It's better that I don't set him off.
He means that, too. Give him a banquet dinner though in a night or two and he'll realize he has to finally do something before the kid genuinely spins out.
no subject
Istredd does not know Jack well. They are both in the library all the time, so they come across one another, but they are quiet and both good at doing their own thing. He does plan on talking to him soon. It has been a long-term plan. Maybe this boat adventure will require it (it will). But Istredd does know Kyle at this point and trusts his mind and capability. A smart person as interested in facts as he is.
I agree. It is unwise to set him off when we are stuck as we are. Besides, he may have a good time meeting new people here, unlike us. It's a rare opportunity before we're all stuck back at the castle.
And if he does end up having a good time here, Lucifer would only annoy him.
no subject
You put your arm through a guy's chest once in a nightmare.
Kid's at least socializing for now. With the brothers back, too, that should help. Kell and Rhy each have a keen eye with the kid, for different reasons.
He pushes up out of his chair. "I'm going back on rounds." If anyone asks about you, I'll just say the seasickness hit again and you had to lay down.
Can wrap here!